Fists of Fury

Sophia's husband Thor is a macho but enlightened guy. He doesn't need to kill things with firearms, or tell homophobic jokes, or any of that stuff. But he seldom does housework, invariably leaves the toilet seat up, and is extremely competitive in all things. Like most males of his ilk, he lifts weights. Because he's a big guy--about six-five and two hundred twenty or so--he lifts really big weights that Sophia can't even pick up when he leaves them lying around.

His real name, while equally monosyllabic, is not Thor. But Sophia thinks it suits him. Despite his Thorlike physique, he's kind of simple and predictable, which is why Sophia married him. She likes simplicity in fashion, in baked goods, and in men.

Sophia herself is not all that simple, nor is she particularly strong. Nevertheless, she is not helpless. In a verbal sparring match she can whip Thor's muscular ass in about two minutes flat. He doesn't argue with her much, because he's a practical guy, and hates to lose. Taking on Sophia in a war of words can very easily lead to Verbal Armageddon, so he treads carefully around certain subjects.

To satisfy your curiosity, Sophia will list these in a future post.

But because he thinks she's too cerebral--and verbose--Thor is always harping on Sophia to Get Stronger. He is not the kind of guy who likes fragile, helpless women. He would have been very happy married to Wonder Woman, as played by the well-endowed Lynda Carter in the 1970's.

Unlike Lynda, Sophia is not very physically impressive. She has skinny little stick arms and, in recent years, a weak back. Except for her outstanding rack (eat your heart out, Lynda), none of her body parts are anything special. She works out a few times a week at the YMCA, because her Over Fifty metabolism now moves with glacial speed, and must needs be pushed to burn even a few dozen calories.

But she does not Hit Things. Or rather didn't, until last week. That's when Percival enrolled in a Tae Kwon Do class with one of his little friends.  Sophia and Thor went to watch the little martial artists, and were wowed by how cool the class was, and how cute-but-grown-up Percival looked in his TKD gear. As they were watching their adorable child punch and kick other children, Thor happened to notice another class going on at the same time. All women, punching and kicking one another. Thor looked that these strong, ass-kicking women, and at his wife with her stick-like arms. And he had an Idea.

Now Thor isn't much for Ideas, unless they involve ways to make money or fix stuff using only duct tape. When Ideas do occur to him, however, he is pretty much inexorable in his insistence that they be carried out.  And so it was in this case.

"Why don't you take that class?" he said. "You can bring Percival, and learn Tae Kwon Do while he does. It's a perfect set-up."

Yes, perfect, but not for Sophia. Words, not feet and fists, are her weapons of choice. She'd rather kick some philosophical ass than lift her leg above her chest while swinging it backwards.  And anyway, she's pretty sure that move is anatomically impossible for a woman Over Fifty.

But, Thor knows Sophia pretty well. He knows, damn him, that she does not like to back down from a challenge. She grew up with four ass-kicking brothers, and, like Thor, hates to admit defeat. So she agreed to try the class out once. Now what do you think happened?

Sophia loved kicking and punching things! She loved the whole Not Thinking aspect of it! She realized why men like fighting so much. It's unambiguous, and uses very few brain cells. Punch, block, punch. Kick, block, kick. Repeat as necessary until someone falls down and doesn't get up. For millennia, this was all men did during the daylight hours.

For a few weirdly wonderful moments, Sophia knew how it felt to be a guy. The power--and sheer stupidity--of it all was intoxicating. After the class, she began to dream big. Black belts! Trophies! Taking down muggers in a New York subway station! Maybe even beating Thor in a non-rhetorical fight someday (she confesses this image had a little erotic charge to it). Nothing seemed impossible. So she signed up.

Well, it turns out, the teacher of the class was not showing all her cards on that first day. No, once she had Sophia signed up for this Tae Kwon Do boot camp, the gloves were off. Sophia realized what it means to be the only White Belt (read: klutzy beginner) in a class of five youngish women with dark-colored belts who can kick their legs higher than any Rockette.

For one thing, it means coming home with a severe hand tremor from punching a pad repeatedly with her bony little fists. She was certain that she had triggered some devastating neurological disorder, and would have to quit this insanity immediately. But no. Thor, who was on the Boxing Team in college, assured her that this was normal. Even his godlike hands shook like giant oaks in an earthquake after he punched the hell out of someone, he said.

Sophia considered this, and thought it incredibly dumb. Why, she wondered, would someone hit something--or someone--until they developed scary neurological symptoms?

Then she remembered to (Not) Think Like a Guy, and stopped worrying about it. Punch, block, punch. Hit first, ask questions later.

But there are other things about the class that are less easily dismissed. Chief among these is the fashion issue. While skinny little Percival looks cute as hell in his Tae Kwon Do outfit, Sophia does not. She had hoped that, like the other (younger) women in her class, she would look tough and sinewy in the loose black pants, Asian-style jacket and white belt.

This was not the case. Because she is top-heavy (see earlier post) and no longer has a perceptible waistline unless completely naked, she looks like a dumpy black sack tied in the middle. The glaring white sash accentuates her no-longer-Lynda-Carterish waist, and the pants bunch out at the hips. Not a good look for the Over-Fifty, non-athletic body. And of course, the classroom is a veritable funhouse of mirrored walls. The last time Sophia had to do anything in a room like this, she was a sylph-like fifteen-year-old, taking ballet class. She loved looking at herself then. But now that she's Over Fifty, she uses mirrors sparingly, like salt and alcohol.

Moreover, Sophia is pretty convinced these are Fat Mirrors. Any woman over twenty knows that, just as there is matter and anti-matter, there are Fat Mirrors and Thin Mirrors. These are definitely Fat Mirrors. Perhaps the owners of the school thought Fat Mirrors would make female students hesitate to drop the class.

Anyway, because of the Wall of Fat Mirrors, Sophia has to stare at her chubby-looking self in 3D for forty-five minutes, wondering how a once-graceful fifteen-year-old ballerina morphed into this lumpy creature with big hips and skinny stick arms.

She also has to grunt "HUUNNNH" when she shoots her fist out, which makes her feel way stupid.

The teacher of this class, Master Jane (you gotta love any sport that lets a woman ascend to the title of "Master") is an awesome physical specimen who is about the same age as Sophia. Yes, it's true! One would think this would be inspiring, but Sophia is not fooled. While Sophia was pulling the string on her Chatty Cathy doll back in the Eisenhower years, Master Jane was back-kicking little boys in her preschool and elbowing bullies in the sandbox. She and Sophia may be the same sex, but they definitely aren't the same species.

The other women in the class are equally alien. They are shorter than Sophia, with fists and feet that move at lightspeed. Sophia feels as if she's moving underwater when she watches these black, red, and blue-belted warrior princesses spar with one another. They are nice to Sophia, treating her with the kind of noblesse oblige that true aristocrats reserve for their inferiors. Master Jane forces some of them to partner with the newbie, which limits their workout considerably. Sophia feels bad about this, but Thor, who is first and foremost a capitalist, reminds her that she is paying the same amount of money for the class as the warrior princesses, so they just have to suck it up.

Sophia loves this about Thor. He never feels uneasy about his place in the world. So even though she's Over Fifty, and will never punch and kick like Master Jane, she is going to stick with the class for awhile. Because she wants to feel that way, too.

HUUNNNH!