Girlfriends

Sophia has no real girlfriends. She has female acquaintances, but that's about it. A lot of Weird Events in Sophia's life contributed to this dearth of female companionship, but now that she's Over Fifty, she would really like to fix this problem. Because this can be a lonely time of life, and men are--well, men. Good for lots of things, but Discussing Life's Transitions is definitely not one of them.

Sophia understands men, and is comfortable with most of them. But women remain a mystery to her.  She has four brothers, and no sisters. Sophia's mom didn't have any sisters either, so she was no help in this Understanding Other Women thing. Sophia moved a lot as a kid--she went to 14 grade schools--so making friends sometimes just didn't seem worth it. Saying goodbye was just one more sad thing to deal with as they loaded up the moving van.

Violins, please....

As a teenager, Sophia never worried about being popular. She was a rugged individualist. Besides, if a girl is popular with guys, other girls will want to hang with her. Sophia has always been popular with men. Not because, as some women have assumed, she was Easy. Sophia was/is by no means a sexual prude, but she has always had Standards.

Okay, almost always. The years 1975-77 shall be stricken from the record.

Sophia was popular with men because she was decent-looking (but not scary beautiful), and, more important, a professional big sister. Adult men, fearful of being Mama's Boys, adore women who fit the big sister mold. Unlike many of her sex, Sophia understands the radical simplicity of men. She knows exactly how far you can push a man to clean up his act, and exactly when this becomes an exercise in futility. She knows when they are too wrecked to be Saved, and doesn't try. She knows what men need, and what they really, really don't want. This accounts for her many marriage proposals (5!) and happy married life.

Um, for the record, Sophia didn't accept all five proposals. That would have been crazy.

But that's not what she wants to talk about here. Today's topic is Why Sophia Can't Make Girlfriends.

When she still had her Big Professional Career, other women wanted to hang with her because she was successful, and, yes, attractive--because being attractive meant men paid attention to her, and her female colleagues were hungry for male attention. Of the professional sort. Sophia worked in a profession with a lower percentage of attractive women than the population as a whole, so having symmetrical features was, in some situations, an asset. In others, of course, it was a Huge Liability. But Sophia is not going to blame her professional implosion on something as superficial as looks. It's not like she was earthshakingly beautiful, or anything. And in any case, the End of Sophia's Career was more complicated and nuanced than that. But that's a subject for another post.

But to the matter at hand: at this stage in Sophia's life, not having women friends has become a cause for lamentation. Sophia is lonely, and men aren't good at talking about much of anything but sports, work, and (occasionally) politics. All this is interesting in its place, but it's not really a bonding experience. Sophia would love to have a girlfriend with whom she can sort out this weird business of being Over Fifty.

In today's post, she will attempt to disentangle this whole problem.

First, there's the Mystery of Woman. Now, Sophia is a feminist. For many years she was a Professional Feminist, which is symptomatic of the problem. Because just as Marxists don't really understand economics, feminists have no real clue about women.

Growing up almost exclusively around men, Sophia internalized much of their stupidity about females. She often finds that women have labyrinthine depths she simply can't fathom. Many women, for example, are good liars. Sophia herself isn't half-bad at it. Men, on the other hand, are rotten liars. Those men who lie well, owing to some accident of genetics or sociopathic parenting, usually end up being criminals, politicians, or some combination of the two. But most men simply aren't theatrical enough to lie convincingly. Their eyes get all shifty, or they make jerky hand movements, or their voices change. Good lying requires a certain amount of multitasking, and women, owing to their historical lot in life, tend to be better at that. Men who lie invariably get caught. Sophia can never understand why so many women are duped by cheating husbands--because if Sophia's husband ever cheated, she'd be onto him in a New York minute.

But some women lie when (Sophia thinks) it would be easier to tell the truth. Yes, I tried to call you but you weren't home (were too). Yes, I sent you a letter, but it must have gotten lost in the mail (does anyone believe this one anymore?). I really like your skirt-dress-handbag-new haircut, although you didn't ask for my opinion and really I think you look cheap-fat-hard-old. Yes, I really care about you, and about All of Humanity. But isn't Sally a bitch, and don't you think Ellen's put on weight?

Now, Sophia understands why women are this way. Intellectually understands, that is. Women have been forced to live with so many irreconcilable contradictions for so long, that duplicity became necessary to social survival. Women have to Be Nice, but secretly compete with one another for men and attention and all the rest. Women have to suppress their sexual desires in the interest of Being Nice, and thus resent women who decide that sex is fun, and morally no big deal. Women are constantly criticized, either explicitly or implicitly, and are thus really really insecure about their looks, their intelligence, their parenting skills, their husband's love, and fear/resent women who seem less insecure about any of this stuff. Women are trapped in the hell that is The Private Life, but must have a Public Face. All this leads, inevitably, to mendacity.

But here's what Sophia doesn't understand. Women fib about stuff that doesn't matter. Women flatter one another excessively, although it's apparent to all parties that most of this flattery is insincere. And this is the scariest part. Unlike men, women will look you straight in the eye while feeding you utter unreconstituted horseshit on any number of topics. What is one supposed to say to this? Sophia has tried several tactics, but the one that really doesn't work is honesty. "Well, Cheryl, it seems to me that your assertion isn't quite accurate..." Never say this. Because this will make women hate you.

Men will lie, but seldom to your face.  This doesn't make them better. This makes them moral cowards. But it is easier to tell when they have something to hide. Unless they fall into the sociopathic/criminal/career politician category, as mentioned above.

Now these are generalizations. Sophia does not mean to suggest that all humans are congenitally predisposed to prevarication. No, some are honest. And some very few are honest without being mean. These people, of course, are at a higher evolutionary stage than the rest of us. In centuries past, they were called Saints.

Sophia is, most definitely, not a saint.  She can be judgmental, mean-spirited, self-pitying, arrogant, and just not nice sometimes. To her credit, however, she Tries.  She does not gossip (except with her mom), and is an excellent keeper of secrets. She actively tries to be a good person, and to live an examined life. Without being too self-obsessed, of course.

A difficult balancing act, with many, many chances to fail.

Anyway.  Sophia has tried, on several humiliating occasions, to connect with old friends, relatives, or other extraneous females on the periphery of her life. She has not over-shared, but has been (she thinks) warm and forthcoming. On one occasion, she tried to Facebook-friend an old graduate school friend/acquaintance, and was rebuffed with silence. She did not understand this, since she and this person had several mutual Facebook-friends, and had never had any kind of a falling out.  She tried to further communicate with an old high school chum who contacted her first.  Another rebuff. There are several more examples.

This made her sad and perplexed. Then, a Flash of Insight. Recently, an old (male) grad school acquaintance Facebook-posted some pictures from 1989. There was one of Sophia, smoking a cigarette and staring into the distance with a pensive frown. She looked thin, intense, and totally unapproachable.

She now realizes that this is how most women have always seen her. And that it is likely too late to remedy the situation.  So she will make do with her wonderful guys, Thor and Percival, and her male dog, Zeus. And be grateful that she has a cool mom, a lot of books with friendly women in them, and a little bit of time left to meet that Special Someone who might be her new best girlfriend.

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